


there's something lonesome about this

by astrangetypeofchemistry



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Gen, Meowraculous Chat Noir Zine, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:49:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangetypeofchemistry/pseuds/astrangetypeofchemistry
Summary: no "who cares?"no vacant staresno time for me





	there's something lonesome about this

**Author's Note:**

> Since Mimi gave us the all clear to publish our pieces, here's my entry for the [Meowraculous Chat Noir Zine!](https://gumroad.com/l/spLM) The zine is now [available for download](https://meowraculouschatnoirzine.tumblr.com/post/161696544917/download-the-chat-noir-zine) free of charge, and any donations will be donated to charity.

_It’s… kind of funny when you think about it, Ladybug. The way I should crave attention, the way I_ do _crave attention, but when I get it…_

_… It’s not what I want..._

_My name is Adrien Agreste. Every morning, I wake up and ride to school._

_I’ve always longed to go to school, ever since I was a child, but both my parents thought it was too dangerous. Then Mère vanished, and Père was too busy nursing his wounds to spend time with me. It was my opportunity to finally be with kids my age, to be able to hang out at school with Chloé and make friends with people just like me._

_It was… kind of gullible on my part, this belief that I would automatically get along with everyone. I managed to make two girls angry just on the first day, and if it wasn’t for Nino, I…_

_Well, I doubt I’d actually look forward to going to school._

_Nino’s friendship means so much to me, sometimes I’m afraid that he’ll leave me because he doesn’t know how important he is. He’s the first normal person I’ve talked to, who doesn’t react to how easily I can throw away money, and just. He genuinely doesn’t seem bothered that half the time he wants to do something, I can’t._

_I wonder how my bad luck let me meet someone like Nino._

_Other than Nino, I haven’t really clicked with anyone. Chloé’s my childhood friend but… recently, it feels like she’s isolating herself from me, desperately trying to cover up something. It worries me, because despite the distance that’s grown between us, I still care about her. I don’t want her to destroy herself because she’s trying to deny herself happiness._

_All my other classmates, they just. Feel like they’re just there. Like they’re out of my reach, always a step too far for me to catch up to._

_And I... I hate this feeling. I crave to be in between all of them, to laugh when Alix says something ridiculous to Kim, or coo with Rose when Mylene shares something super sweet Ivan did. I crave to have them watch me, to ask me about all these stories I have caved up in my head; how that one time, I started crying because the mannequin I was standing next to was much bigger than I was, or even the time I got yelled at for standing in the rain and just crying._

_Or the night after my mother’s disappearance, when her family came to visit us for the first time, and my father abandoned me to a restless night of staring at the ceiling, in a room full of strangers._

_But they go on too fast, jumping topics and conversations and lifetimes, leaving me stranded with my lonely childhood stories._ _It makes school somewhat unbearable when Nino isn’t there, because apart from him, everyone else has me in a glass case, separated. Pretty too look at, but too fragile to be touched._

_Sometimes, I wonder if that assessment is really all that off the mark._

_After school, I barely get to see Nino. I either have to stay after for fencing or basketball, and on the rare days that I don’t, I always have a photoshoot to go to, piano lessons to attend, or even a session with my Chinese tutor._

_It’s kind of ironic. For what my father lacks in love, he doesn’t in keeping me busy. Laughable… until I realize it’s actually kind of sad._

_And it’s the same damn routine every day, of filling up my days with something, anything. The only reprieve I have is transforming into Chat Noir and getting to see you._

_To me, you’re the embodiment of everything this world should be filled with. Good, kind people, who can stand up in the face of danger even they’re terrified. People who can have so many flaws, and yet don’t let them define them._

_I guess that’s why I fell in love with you in the first place. To me, the world really does begin and end with you. You fulfill every single one of my dreams of the kinds of people I wanted to surround myself with when I grew up._

_And yet, I still feel lonely. Sitting next to Nino, or watching as my classmates laugh, I feel disconnected sometimes. I can’t tell if it’s because I make myself feel that way, or if it’s this unseen thing inside of me caused by my abnormal childhood._

_Either way, I hate it. I hate the way I feel wary of every person who tries to be nice to me, afraid that they’re someone looking to manipulate me. To use me for their own gain._

_I’m tired of feeling vulnerable in this way, like any person can come and take advantage of me. I don’t want to live like this._

_I just-_

“Adrien,” Nathalie’s voice calls, and he turns his head to find her staring with an eyebrow raised. “We’re here.”

He nods, shooting her an automatic smile before his hand reaches to open the car door. As he gathers his stuff and walks towards yet another photoshoot, the part of him screaming to be let loose swallows yet another speech. He promises himself that Ladybug will hear all of it when the sun sets.

Late at night, Chat Noir is too busy making Ladybug laugh to open the door on the words he’s choked back.


End file.
